well I can't set my house on fire every night
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
