I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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