Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
