Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
