You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
