I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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