I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
