sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
