I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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