I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
