My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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