I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
