After last night, I could never be a politician.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
