I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
