OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
