Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
