I think my fart just growled at me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
