Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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