So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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