$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
