I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
