I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
