Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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