life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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