What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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