my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
