Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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