i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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