Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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