Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
