Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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