The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
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Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
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Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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