So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
