Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
