when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
