You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
