I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
