When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
