Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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