Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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