I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
