Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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