Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize