"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
