I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
