sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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