you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
