I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
