We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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