i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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