Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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