Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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