sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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