A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
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My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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