Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
