this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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