I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
