I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
