worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
