...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
