I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He kissed a someone with a penis
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
