he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
