I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
