It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
