It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
