Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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